Archive for the ‘Baby!’ Category

While in Nova Scotia, my Dad asked me to look through a box of burned CDs that belonged to my brother to make sure nothing important was going to be thrown out. Most of it was garbage, but I saw a mix CD my brother had put together for himself and packed it along for the drive back to Ottawa.

I should interrupt here and state that my brother’s taste in music was about as eclectic as mine is, so it should be no surprise that “I Shot The Sheriff” and “Natural Woman” featured alongside no fewer than THREE versions of “It’s Raining Men.”

I didn’t look at the track list before playing it — every time a new song came on and I caught myself saying, “why, Matt, WHY?!!”

I could almost hear his voice in my head, saying “aw, c’mon, Liss! This stuff is AWESOME!”

I don’t really know what I feel about the afterlife, or if I believe in it at all — my thoughts on the finality of death change from day to day — but I’ve been throwing up a request from time to time, covering my bases I guess, asking my brother to keep an eye out for Baby-The-Last on the off-chance he’s hanging around and has any sway with the forces of the Universe.Super Moon - 11 August 2014
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2014 has been a year. Not to wish the remaining four months away, I hope I’ve had all the bad news I’m going to get.

There’s only so much a gal can take.

While the miscarriage in the Spring rocked me, the sudden and unexpected death of my brother — my only sibling — in July has changed the map of my world forever. I’m still too raw to write about it — it will need time to settle before I can commit my feelings to words.

Timing being what it is, I found out about his death on the heels of an ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy I hadn’t expected so soon. Joy followed by grief, life followed by death — the juxtaposition wasn’t lost on me. There is an order to things, a sometimes awful balance.

I had repeat ultrasounds for several weeks, checking on growth, heartbeat, and health, eventually realizing it was time to register with my midwives.

Blomidon, Nova Scotia

Blomidon, Nova Scotia

At 11wks, as I prepared for my three week trip to Nova Scotia to be with my family for my brother’s memorial, I asked them if I should have any concerns, given my history. Reassured that everything would be fine, I packed up my kids and my friend and her kids into my Suburban and headed for the coast. Of course, no road for me lately has seemed smooth, so on the last weekend there I ended up in Emergency with subchorionic bleeding.

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I don’t write much about breastfeeding. In fact, a quick search of my blog only uncovered two breastfeeding-specific posts. One was about my older boys’ curiosity about their baby brother, and the other about extended breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is just something I do with my babies. Nothing more, nothing less.

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Today is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day. I have never marked this day in the past. I’m not terribly sentimental about this sort of thing, having had several miscarriages over the past number of years, but all the memorial posts and such in my Facebook news feed and Twitter stream this morning came at a bit of a bad time.

Boy #3, 4 weeks old
June 2010

Earlier this year I had an unexpected pregnancy that resulted, 11 weeks later, in an unanticipated miscarriage. This coming Saturday, my 17th wedding anniversary, was my EDD. I should be 39wks pregnant right now and the reality that I’m not is sitting rather heavy this week. I’m doing okay, I am, but the loss of the idea is still a little raw. Fall is a wonderful time to have a baby. My friends are having babies.

I’m not having a baby.

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