I’m back on the smack as apparantly neither I nor my family can handle me being off it. After an incredibly unstable 24hrs with several breakdowns over a number of minor things, my brain shooting off into scary places, and a lot of crying, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get off this crap or if it has fried my brain so much that I can’t function without it. I had an anxiety attack over making a ham sandwich this morning. We drove the kids to school because, after yesterday, the idea of walking them made me half hysterical. I hate contemplating what my kids will remember from these past couple years and how it might make them feel about me. I contemplated journalling my feelings last night on paper, but quite honestly I don’t want to remember this. I hate feeling weak and helpless. I hate my lack of Cope. I hate this feeling that I’m 32 and all my potential is long since gone. I hate not being able to turn off my brain. I hate being a downer for everyone. I am just so freaking *done* with this, but feeling defeated because I don’t know how to make it *be* done. This is not how I imagined I would be at this point in my life and it makes me so very sad.