Archive for the ‘Grief’ Category

I’m 35 weeks pregnant now. If my labour history holds true, I’ve about a month left in my pregnancy. This weekend I wrote up our massive “to do” list of things that need to be done before our baby arrives — before our daughter is born and fills that last little corner of our family.

It’s a long list.

It’s a really long list.

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As I bid a welcome farewell to 2014 and face the upcoming new year, I complete a major transition in my life.

2014 is a year of grief I am only too willing to leave behind me. 2014 is a year of Goodbye and Letting Go.

2015 will be a year of Beginning Again and the year we complete our not-so-little family and move into the next stage of parenting — bidding farewell to fertility issues, pregnancy stress and babies.

2014 is the year I suffered and got through a traumatic pregnancy loss.

2014 is the year I lost my younger brother (and only sibling) to a tragic motorcycle crash.

2014 wasn’t all bad, though — it was also the first year since 1997 that I went back to Nova Scotia to celebrate Christmas with my parents, something new and exciting for my children.

Dusk, Annapolis Valley, Nova Scotia (26 Dec 2014)
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I have a history of pregnancy loss.

I have written about it here, and I’m generally pretty open when discussing it, but that does not mean I am unaffected by my experiences. I am very much affected — I am having a lot of difficulty finding happiness in this pregnancy. My most recent loss was particularly traumatic for me and it is taking me awhile to bounce back. I am now 22wks pregnant and everything seems to be going fine, but I do not feel secure or safe in the idea that this will turn out the way I hope.

My ability to find joy is a little broken.

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Dreaming

Pregnancy induces very vivid dreams and nightmares for me. Last night was no exception:

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