Archive for the ‘Dwell On Things’ Category

As the weeks remaining in this pregnancy diminish, so to shrinks my to-do list. There are still a lot of things left on it but they seem a little less insurmountable, a fraction less overwhelming. As I work through it on automatic pilot, my thoughts wander.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my brother — being too familiar with signs of depression, I spend a lot of time assessing my feelings. I wonder if some of my disconnect with this pregnancy is the juxtaposition of his death against this arrival of new life. Some days I feel a little guilty that I get to have this experience, again, when he never did.

It feels weird and wrong to think this is a year that he isn’t here.

It feels strange to think he will never meet this baby.

Self-care is important and I have been avoiding it lately, in favour of focusing on all the tasks I have to complete before my due date. I know this isn’t healthy. I also know that holding on to strong emotions at this point in a pregnancy doesn’t work well for me — I bottle things inside and end up wound too tight when I need to be relaxing and letting go.

A Grief Observed - C. S. Lewis

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While in Nova Scotia, my Dad asked me to look through a box of burned CDs that belonged to my brother to make sure nothing important was going to be thrown out. Most of it was garbage, but I saw a mix CD my brother had put together for himself and packed it along for the drive back to Ottawa.

I should interrupt here and state that my brother’s taste in music was about as eclectic as mine is, so it should be no surprise that “I Shot The Sheriff” and “Natural Woman” featured alongside no fewer than THREE versions of “It’s Raining Men.”

I didn’t look at the track list before playing it — every time a new song came on and I caught myself saying, “why, Matt, WHY?!!”

I could almost hear his voice in my head, saying “aw, c’mon, Liss! This stuff is AWESOME!”

I don’t really know what I feel about the afterlife, or if I believe in it at all — my thoughts on the finality of death change from day to day — but I’ve been throwing up a request from time to time, covering my bases I guess, asking my brother to keep an eye out for Baby-The-Last on the off-chance he’s hanging around and has any sway with the forces of the Universe.Super Moon - 11 August 2014
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2014 has been a year. Not to wish the remaining four months away, I hope I’ve had all the bad news I’m going to get.

There’s only so much a gal can take.

While the miscarriage in the Spring rocked me, the sudden and unexpected death of my brother — my only sibling — in July has changed the map of my world forever. I’m still too raw to write about it — it will need time to settle before I can commit my feelings to words.

Timing being what it is, I found out about his death on the heels of an ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy I hadn’t expected so soon. Joy followed by grief, life followed by death — the juxtaposition wasn’t lost on me. There is an order to things, a sometimes awful balance.

I had repeat ultrasounds for several weeks, checking on growth, heartbeat, and health, eventually realizing it was time to register with my midwives.

Blomidon, Nova Scotia

Blomidon, Nova Scotia

At 11wks, as I prepared for my three week trip to Nova Scotia to be with my family for my brother’s memorial, I asked them if I should have any concerns, given my history. Reassured that everything would be fine, I packed up my kids and my friend and her kids into my Suburban and headed for the coast. Of course, no road for me lately has seemed smooth, so on the last weekend there I ended up in Emergency with subchorionic bleeding.

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4 AM has been creeping up on me.

4 AM– too bright to pretend it is nighttime, but my body is too tired to get up.

4 AM is when my brain kicks into overdrive: planning, pondering, wondering, worrying. 4 AM is when I’m reminded that my depression is right there, over my right shoulder, waiting for that weak moment, waiting for the opportunity to squeeze through a crack in the wall of my self-esteem.

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