Posts Tagged ‘grief’

As the weeks remaining in this pregnancy diminish, so to shrinks my to-do list. There are still a lot of things left on it but they seem a little less insurmountable, a fraction less overwhelming. As I work through it on automatic pilot, my thoughts wander.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my brother — being too familiar with signs of depression, I spend a lot of time assessing my feelings. I wonder if some of my disconnect with this pregnancy is the juxtaposition of his death against this arrival of new life. Some days I feel a little guilty that I get to have this experience, again, when he never did.

It feels weird and wrong to think this is a year that he isn’t here.

It feels strange to think he will never meet this baby.

Self-care is important and I have been avoiding it lately, in favour of focusing on all the tasks I have to complete before my due date. I know this isn’t healthy. I also know that holding on to strong emotions at this point in a pregnancy doesn’t work well for me — I bottle things inside and end up wound too tight when I need to be relaxing and letting go.

A Grief Observed - C. S. Lewis

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I’m 35 weeks pregnant now. If my labour history holds true, I’ve about a month left in my pregnancy. This weekend I wrote up our massive “to do” list of things that need to be done before our baby arrives — before our daughter is born and fills that last little corner of our family.

It’s a long list.

It’s a really long list.

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As I bid a welcome farewell to 2014 and face the upcoming new year, I complete a major transition in my life.

2014 is a year of grief I am only too willing to leave behind me. 2014 is a year of Goodbye and Letting Go.

2015 will be a year of Beginning Again and the year we complete our not-so-little family and move into the next stage of parenting — bidding farewell to fertility issues, pregnancy stress and babies.

2014 is the year I suffered and got through a traumatic pregnancy loss.

2014 is the year I lost my younger brother (and only sibling) to a tragic motorcycle crash.

2014 wasn’t all bad, though — it was also the first year since 1997 that I went back to Nova Scotia to celebrate Christmas with my parents, something new and exciting for my children.

Dusk, Annapolis Valley, Nova Scotia (26 Dec 2014)
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Dreaming

Pregnancy induces very vivid dreams and nightmares for me. Last night was no exception:

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