Posts Tagged ‘loss’

I am about to tell you something that I couldn’t tell my friends or midwives at the time. I couldn’t even tell my husband, because I was scared if I said it out loud that it would be true.

Before #MissVee was born, I was afraid I wouldn’t love her.

Now that she is here, I feel I can say it out loud. It was a big fear of mine. For those who believe our brains can control our bodies, it could also be why she decided to wait 9 days past her estimated due date to make her appearance.

In terms of big psychological hang-ups, this one was pretty huge.

Last July, an unanticipated pregnancy was confirmed by early ultrasound. Two hours later, I found out that my brother died in a tragic motorcycle collision. My husband and older boys were out of town at camp and on a Scouts canoe trip — unreachable by phone. I was alone with my 4yr old. Frantic with grief, I holed up with my youngest and waited for the rest of my family to come home.

That week prevented me from attaching to my pregnancy.

I didn’t even try.

With my history of recurring pregnancy loss, and this pregnancy following hot on the heels of traumatic miscarriage at 12wks, I didn’t want to try. I steeled myself for another loss and got on with my life. I drove to Nova Scotia with my childhood best friend, her two boys and my three boys (all in one awesome Suburban, I will add) for my brother’s memorial service and to spend some time with my parents.

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I’m 35 weeks pregnant now. If my labour history holds true, I’ve about a month left in my pregnancy. This weekend I wrote up our massive “to do” list of things that need to be done before our baby arrives — before our daughter is born and fills that last little corner of our family.

It’s a long list.

It’s a really long list.

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My head and my heart aren’t on speaking terms right now. They’re engaged in battle with each other. I’m not sure there will be a winner.

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