Posts Tagged ‘pregnancy’

As I bid a welcome farewell to 2014 and face the upcoming new year, I complete a major transition in my life.

2014 is a year of grief I am only too willing to leave behind me. 2014 is a year of Goodbye and Letting Go.

2015 will be a year of Beginning Again and the year we complete our not-so-little family and move into the next stage of parenting — bidding farewell to fertility issues, pregnancy stress and babies.

2014 is the year I suffered and got through a traumatic pregnancy loss.

2014 is the year I lost my younger brother (and only sibling) to a tragic motorcycle crash.

2014 wasn’t all bad, though — it was also the first year since 1997 that I went back to Nova Scotia to celebrate Christmas with my parents, something new and exciting for my children.

Dusk, Annapolis Valley, Nova Scotia (26 Dec 2014)
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Admittedly, I am wound a little tightly this pregnancy. Paranoia about something going wrong coupled with my lack of quality sleep makes it harder for me to step back, take a deep breath, and tell myself “everything is fine — chill the heck out.”

30 weeks

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Right now you are sound asleep next to me in the bed where you were born, snoring softly in the darkness — a rare “sleepover”, courtesy of a Scouts trip the rest of our family is on. I’m not sure who enjoys our weekends together more, you or me, but I do know this is the last one that will be just the two of us.

In February, Baby-The-Last will make her appearance and you will take up a new rung on the ladder of our family.

Sometimes I worry that you will feel supplanted or pushed aside — you have been my near-constant sidekick for more than 4 years now, even coming to work with me as a newborn until this Fall when you were finally old enough to start school. In our not-so-small family, you and I have had a connection so different from the ones I have with your older brothers. I treasure it and I don’t want it to change.

Life moves on, though, and nothing stays the same.

I want you to know how I treasure your independence and your amazing ability to entertain yourself. You are like sunshine. Your sense of humour and the way you see the world from your shorter stature are highlights in my every day. You have a knack for cheering me up that I don’t fully understand — the rest of your family could take lessons from you. You are not concerned with making friends because as far as you are concerned everyone is your friend. You are my daily reminder to face the world with a sunny disposition and that genuine enthusiasm is highly underrated.

Age 4.5

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I have a history of pregnancy loss.

I have written about it here, and I’m generally pretty open when discussing it, but that does not mean I am unaffected by my experiences. I am very much affected — I am having a lot of difficulty finding happiness in this pregnancy. My most recent loss was particularly traumatic for me and it is taking me awhile to bounce back. I am now 22wks pregnant and everything seems to be going fine, but I do not feel secure or safe in the idea that this will turn out the way I hope.

My ability to find joy is a little broken.

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